Journey is playing on the radio....I think it is a sign I am going to pass my drug test
Time to put an end to this 'unprotected sex with crazy girls who have violent exes' trip I've been on so far this summer
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
She introduced herself and then asked "have you ever fucked a girl with a cast?"
does pizza still have the 5 second rule in the bubble bath?
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
We weren't even through customs yet, and we got offered weed. You would love Jamaica.
You gotta pick a side. My suggestion: side with tits.
I just burped smoke on the bus. Hello 6:48am
I'm gonna call it the Reunion Tour. Hooked up with two different ex girlfriends in one day...
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
He just fucked me into paralysis. can't feel my hands or face.
Randomize
