Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
You were right. It hurts to walk today.
theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
bad to tell him im pregnant over fbook chat?
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
there is no 'pace myself' on the blackout express
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
They were taking shots out of the caps of perfume bottles. This is too much for me.
You pretty much isn't said it
Those words don't go together.
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
I think I fell in love with her when I saw her kick a freshman in the chest
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