I feel like abortions should bother me more
ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
don't forget friday is see who can get the most free drinks at the gay bar contest. winner gets $50
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
Has my life seriously led me to day drinking on a Monday the third week of the semester?
It's after 5, it's not day drinking.
only i would grind with someone to harp music at a gay wedding
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
There's a cute bearded guy at this brew fest wearing a kilt and selling mead
TELL HIM ABOUT MY DOWRY!!!
Just because you are home alone for the weekend doesn't mean you can act like a nudist.
I accept your opinion but respectfully disagree. Also, I'm sitting in your chair.
My liver can't handle being unemployed!
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
Randomize
