i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
Breakfast=the leftover margarita in my car. Have a great day.
Well it involved jumping two nine foot fences. But when you mix alcohol and persistence you can't lose.
omg. i wish i could describe to you the number of things that were just in my vagina. i feel like i got gangbanged by construction workers.
Did you find any other hidden treasures in my room? Specifically weed? Or Slim Jims?
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
I just googled, "how to do boob makeup" thats the kind of night I wanna have.
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
I used my tears to chase my tequila. You could say I rallied.
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
Woke up to your boyfriend in my bed last night. What's that about?
PLEASE HELP ME THE AMERICANS ARE YELLING ABOUT TURKEY, I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO
he went down on me while I ate Oreos. I don't know what caused the orgasm.
Randomize
