I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
i just saw an ambulance and a fire truck pull away from the dorms. it appears somebody actually IS feeling shittier than me today.
Isiahs hammered. And just came in to get his skateboard and said he has to prove something. This can't end well
Why does it always end up with me crying in my car.
He rubs his penis on back when he think I'm sleeping
Things got outta hand once she told me to water-board her with Patron.
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
Ok cuz s'mores night just turned into pina colada after noon and it will be mas fun
We were coming but I found wine on my way out the door.
My last 2 google image searches were 'a lot of pudding' followed by 'a generous portion of pudding'
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
last time we were there you stole a tap from the toilets. How are you confused that your bag is full of baubles you clearly can't stop collecting their furnishings
He woke up and decided to go for a swim in the lake... At about 3am... With his dogs
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