it feels good to walk into a CVS and not go straight to the pharmacy counter for plan b. its been a while....
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
It was honestly like finding a clitoris in a haystack.
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
He kept surfacing with a delighted look on his face, guessing different types of food to try to figure out what makes my pussy taste so good.
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
am i so blindsided by his great personality that i'm hooking up with an ugly guy?
i thought you knew
We bought home drug tests to see which of us could make it look more like a kaleidoscope. What happened to the days of innocent fun trying to best everyone with a breathalyzer?
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
you puked in the bathtub and said "let them pee"
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
Was your bare penis on or around my blanket?
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
Randomize
