I just jerked it to the same porn two nights in a row... and she says I have problems with commitment...
he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"
He's only a little bit crosseyed.
I think this is one situation where "a little bit" doesn't mean much.
Wow. He pulled out his dick and I swear I heard a thud from it hitting the floor.
It was just like old times except for going to hangover throw up before waking my parents up to open presents. Merry Christmas!
Your cock is gonna weep like a baby
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
This is not 2004 anymore. It's not acceptable to get fingered while watching 'Ferngully' in a basement full of your friends.
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
you made out with another girl for some wings
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
I possibly am a tad bit not really but maybe slightly intoxicated.
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
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