I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
My cat gives me a boner
It would be been irresponsible not to make cleaning the apartment into a drinking game
Its that time of week again, Bad life decision wednesday
when you agree to fuck a guy it does by NO means make it okay for his roommate to hide in the closet with doritos and watch
Just found bud in my hair....gotta love curls
I AM HAVING A WEIRD OUT OF BODY EXPERIENCE. IN CAPS LOCK.
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
we're going to the olympic park to run the 100m yeaaaahhh
it's 3am. Nothing could possibly go wrong here.
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
At what point in a new hookup do you tell the guy you need to wear a mouth guard when you sleepover because of your TMJ? Asking for a friend.
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
Randomize
