Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
I can't remember much about walking home last night. I think I kicked a dog.
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
who was wearing the fake mustache? I just found one in my cleavage
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
I think I might get 604 tattooed on my ass tonight...
No it'll be my boobs and the luge part will be from my nipples. Everyone will be sucking beer from my perfectly sculpted and partially melted tits.
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
How have you never felt a dick as hard as mine?
I always knew ther was a reason why we're best friends
Obvs our love of drugs
I like to think of it more as our love of curiosity
what the fuck happened to the tacos
Just puked most of my soul out..
So I might join you on the drunk train on the way to poor decisions.
Randomize
