Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
my ultimate dream in life is to have sperm so powerful that it will rival that of jim bob duggar.
How did people poop without Blackberrys?
Motorola Razers?
Stone age, man.
the cops didnt even wait to start drinking the confiscated alchohol from the party
Are they hot? And are the slutty? These are my concerns for any wedding. You say yes, and yes, I will be your best man
It's really awkward/depressing when you are wearing heels larger than his dick
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
OK! No more randoms over for the next month this is the third fucking time I caught a naked dude drinking my OJ in the middle of the night.
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
I'm going to pretend you don't watch My Little Pony and focus on your large cock. Kay? Don't bring it up again.
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
I just found those cheese sticks in my purse. Along with a handful of confetti.
Randomize