Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
Just sit in your kitchen floor until something speaks to you.
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
You know your horny when you have a sex dream about Ace Ventura, if your wondering he's awful
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
Unexpected pro of the hostel though: literally down the street from Coors Field. I could literally fart on the building in five minutes.
Randomize
