Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
Anyway, my grandfather thinks you're attractive
any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
Someone should've told Pope jumper lady and terrorist pants guy that the Worst of 2009 lists already went out....
Pregaming class all semester has made this final review session more like my introduction to the topic.
a price tag just fell out of my vag. i guess its worth $13.99...
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
I called for backup and had two guys carry him to the shower. The bigger guy offered to wash his hair.
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
Perfect. Let's do that. I'm thinking everclear and green dye as our base. We shud start from there
I achieved the level of drunk I wanted even with the length of dress I was in..
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
Randomize
