Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
Just got thank you sex for shoveling the driveway. I cant wait for the next blizzard
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
i was thoroughly upset that he did not want to be my number 16, who passes that number up?
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
I had to help some 40 year old women shoot down some 21 year old who called her his "milf fantasy"
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
I feel like I'm going to get the reputation of being the girl who brings her dog with her to all her random hookups.
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
I dapped up a cop while leaving the party
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
I said "one day" and that day is not today
Imagine we only get one cock for the rest of your life. I’d pick his dick. That good!
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