if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
she tried giving me head in the pool. it was more entertaining than pleasurable
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.
I've officially decided that whoever created hate sex should be on my christmas card list.
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
do you think they make 'sorry for walking in on you drunkenly jacking of to a picture of me' cards?
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
i refuse to hook up with a girl that looks like drew carey.
I don't know man. I fell outside Pizza Hut and an employee had to perform first aid. But I think I got free pizza. So it was worth it.
Honestly, this is a first for me. I've always prided myself on my ability to pretend to get along with others.
im drinking out of a pineapple, so yea.
you walked into the party, and all you had on was your left sock... literally.
So I have three weeks to get rid of his girlfriend and fuck him senseless before he goes to jail
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
Randomize
