Sex don't cost a thang now that you can buy trojans with meal points.
I looked at my own cervix.
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
FUCK YOU CALIFORNIA. YOU DO NOTHING RIGHT. FIRST PROP 8 AND NOW THIS.
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
just had a memory of me telling homeless mark that it was the year of the bunny and he said "you da bunny, girl"
Escorted a stripper to her car last night,and all I got was a "Thanks" and "Go Steelers."
I have pictures of you scratching against the sliding glass door on your knees screaming how you felt like a lamb.
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
It wasn't intentional or anything but I've now had sex with all of your siblings. How's college going?
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
Randomize
