I just google mapped his house on satellite so i can really see how much money he has. Does that make me shallow?
he referred to his penis as the bashful dwarf from snow white
We now know how the night ended in arrest according to the flip camera I did 10 handle pulls and beer bonged a 40. My life choices are getting worse and worse this is your fault.
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
I don't think he cares about your inhospitable uterus.
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
The shrooms were awesome. Everyone's bones in their face looked so beautiful! Everyone had great face structures.
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
Randomize
