do you know how bad I want you right now?
As bad as i want you to stop texting me?
is that a hint?
Well. Nothing came of that. And to think I manscaped and dusted with gold bond.
I dont care how high you are, meat and sprinkles dont mix dude
the lighter is IN the bong. I don't know what to do
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
I haven't found him passed out in the living room covered in noodles for a while now so I guess he's getting better with the drinking.
How many trips to the liquor store in a week constitutes alcoholism?
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
He put chocks of wood in front of his doors to stop me from leaving. I'm not nearly drunk enough for that to be appropriate behaviour.
I asked him to explain what he meant by "hooking up" in paragraph form
I would go a lot of places to get laid. But I would NOT go to Staten Island.
You know what...ii have the turtles...were together....i love these god damn turtles...
they were drunk. and loud. and now they're drunk and quiet. or dead, you never know.
Randomize
