On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
I think you should know he took my pants (buttons and zippers included) and my thong off with his mouth alone. I found my husband
they just did a mariachi cover of free bird
I just gave head in the laundry room on campus. He said it was one of the best moments in all of history. Take that, neil armstrong.
My patience ran out after you started clapping at the strippers everytime they took off a piece of clothing.
I came home ate all of my roomates poptarts and then vommited on her duvet cover. I don't think today is the day to suggest the whole "sex instead of rent money" idea
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
Can I just say I love the fact that were in business with guys where I can write a hand job up hoes down text message
I'm just going to have crazy good sex with him until one of us developed feelings that works in the movies right?
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
None of what you just said was coherent
I just bought wine at a gas station what the hell do you expect
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
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