the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
she was sobbing drunk in the backseat about her dead cat and how the guy in the front seat didn't want to hook up with her
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
you called your neighbor "slutsauce" then passed out on the stairway. not even sure why, but props to you.
Thanks, college. Tonight's decisions brought to you by margs in a nalgene.
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
I was wondering why are people staring at me til I realized I was bra-less with a lei around my neck
That's the second time the same cop pulled me over well a different girl was giving me road head
Being severely attracted to someone you find is your cousin just made my list of top 10 worst feelings
drinking vodka out of a wine glass to feel a little bit classier about myself.
ill drive you to the airport today if we can have sex first
i left yesterday
ill pick you up from the airport on sunday if we can have sex after
In any case. I fucked a married couple recently. Know what a straight person would've done there? Been super weirded out by 1/3 of the genitals there, that's what.
Randomize
