I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
There's a girl in here wearing a kaballah bracelet and a miley Cyrus tshirt. consider her judged.
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
do you think theyll let us bring mariachis to the strip club?
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
You can drink as much as you want but it's not gunna make her forehead any smaller
I was hoping it might at least fix her teeth
May the one with the liver that just won't quit win
I feel like I grabbed someones dick last night, & if I didn't I'll be disappointed in myself
His penis could choke an elephant. A baby elephant... But an elephant non the less.
He's rescued me passed out naked on the playground next door and I've rescued him passed out naked in the middle of campus. That's why we're a great couple.
It's no shave November. This is our time.
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
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