Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
I'm blazed about to take my 8am final. Another girl is too. We just looked each other in the eyes. She's my soul sister.
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
I forgot my id and a man called soup is buying me vodka.
the question is "speedos?" and the answer is "yes".
you started looking at my couch laughing and saying to it "she thinks I'm talking to you" then proceeded to laugh and talk to the couch some more.
You made a glowstick headband with a helium balloon tied around it and climbed a tree in high heels. I was impressed.
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
the fact that you have a guy named the "i want you to tie me up and fuck me" guy speaks volumes about your life.
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
And speaking of good acting I may have a sex tape now
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
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