Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
he said i look beautiful when i cum. i think i'm in love.
I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
Did you know they have alcohol AND weed delivery in Canada??? I'm not EVER coming home
Almost thought it was a good idea to call his parents to thank them for having a son with an awesome dick. That high.
Jeff just maced a waitress...it's way too early for this.
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
Im about to have a threesome, Ill pay you twenty bucks to go clean my room. Just throw it all in the closet.
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
Casually on the bus at 830 in the morning with a box of cheezits and a bottle of fireball sticking out of my purse....
She makes margaritas with lemon-lime 5 hour energy..thats brilliant
and you were wondering how she got into Harvard
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
That wasn't even sex. That was a fuckoning
...did you just create a word for what we did?
I'm writing to thank you for your never ending commitment to my orgasms and also to apologize if any physical harm was done due to your impressive efforts. Hopefully the sex and post sex pizza made up for it.
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