ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
I realized today that the only reason you made out with Travis is because he has nice teeth
i don't know how the hand towel got involved, but i peed all over it
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
Actually, I take that back. You can only have it if I'm allowed to French braid the mullet.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
Lets just say my thoughts when getting dressed this morning was "vagina friendly" options
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
I think after 8 tries we can say Stoli Thursdays cause too much damage.
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
Can we make love to the Space Jam soundtrack?
Hey guys.. So I accidentally broke the front door last night
You were licking skittles to check if they were "halucinateizers" so no, you are not leaving the house while on antibiotics.
Randomize
