Its not alright that i make out with a manican.
Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
Very excited! Vodka will be shot, dicks will be ridden, and memories made.
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
I rather not break my neck. It's hard to look sexy with a neck cast.
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
I'm in the kitchen making quiche for my fuck buddy and his wife. I'm probably not the chick to get dating advice from.
You are the epitome of what awesome would taste like.
Honestly the prospect of dick really lifts a girl's spirits
when i was on the highway she passed out and knocked my transmission into nuetral with her forehead...that was an experience
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
Randomize
