I faked an abortion last night.
Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
The only way I could get him to agree to hook up with her is telling him I'd hook up with him next week.
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
Bad breakup?
He posted a pic of me fully naked and smiling as he inserted a carrot into my vagina as my FB profile pic and then changed the PW, locking me out of my own account. So 500 of my closest friends, family, and coworkers now have that mental image of me on FB.
I don't think you understand. I woke up under the car. At 3 am. In the club parking lot.
You don't even know. The entire marching band thinks I'm an alcoholic.
It is a fiery spray of napalm-covered beautiful words that leave a flaming "fuck you" on the ground after I destroy him.
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
Randomize
