I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
His was the first dick to ever be in my mouth... Of course I'm going to the wedding.
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
She told me that as long as she kept starring at the freckle on her arm she wouldnt throw up
So howd u manage to get high at a one year olds birthday anyway?
Idk. It's not appealing to me. Like don't get me wrong, I love ur dick A LOT but I don't want to stare at it on an iPhone screen
I have to confess something, I may or may not have knocked on your window at 2:30 am while balancing on some guys hands. We found tequila.
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
Thank you for the legal advice. I hope I can pay you in blow jobs.
He told me that he'd ride his snowmobile from Cincinnati to Toledo in this blizzard just so I could give him head.
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
Sex in the backyard? Check.
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
Randomize
