Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
we were like drunken butterflies among sober caterpillars,
I think I've officially made out with the entire starbucks staff.
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
I almost shit my pants in anger over your moral sanity.
I think making out with someone could be the cure to all my problems. That or more cowbell.
I've injured myself in such a way that i am only capable of making love standing up now
I was told to keep my leg elevated. I assume it means to keep my legs on the air, it's like I was prescribed to be slutty
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
Yes. I'm realizing that sports games are good reasons to drink. I just cheer when everyone else cheers.
Stop confusing me with every girl you know that doesn't like sex.
I don't care if his family has ties to the mafia, you go over there, ride his dick until it breaks off, put his dick back on, and keep on riding. Lather, rinse, repeat.
Thanks for the support, sis.
I've also stopped shaving, like, everything. I can't tell if I'm empowered or sad
it wasnt that bad
you tried to climb into my fireplace while screaming TO DIAGON ALLEY! we didnt even watch harry potter. it was bad
We told the cop that we were playing soccer, in flip flops, and 2:30 in the morning. It was raining and i had board shorts on. He bought it, lets go get drunk
Randomize
