just had cupcakes and mountain dew for dinner-now i'm playing super mario brothers. 10 year olds all over the world would kill to be me.
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
after I lost so many games of beer pong they made me be a troll, I sat under the table and told riddles while retrieving balls.
Yes but that point is quickly negated bc u should never have to search more than one room to find your underwear.
dude, we need a reunion soon, my vagina needs a deep massage. The kitty is ready to play
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
I think now I understand why people say my penis is pretty.
I decided I was tough enough to wax my bikini area myself. Long story short, I'll be drunk when you get home
I'm watching the Brazzers version of Mary Poppins and enjoying it. Volume on and all. 45 minutes.
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
We had a company shotgunning beers contest in the parking lot today, and I won. God bless America!
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
I might be a bit longer... I found a hot guy at the grocery store, so I'm following him and buying stuff that he's buying
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