are you so shy because you have an std?
This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
You sir are most definitely in. Better get your penis an umbrella as that bad boy is gonna get soakkkkkkeddddd.
im pretty sure the clearest way to say "dont worry, im not emotionally attached" was by sleeping with his roommate the next night
He did a 4 wheel burnout and yelled at the cops "Sorry! It's for a school project!". HOW does he think of this shit?
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
I might not remember all of last night but I clearly remember the part where I humped the mailbox.
He ran into the room yelling "attack! Attack!", jumped on top of me on the air mattress, popped the air mattress, and then we had victory sex, because he was proud of popping it.
My main goal for tomorrow night is to make it back into my own bed
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
But I made it seem like I wasn't hungover at work, so that's a plus.
He's bringing a lesbian pretending to be his girlfriend to family Christmas. I can not wait to see how this goes.
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Randomize
