I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
IM NOT LETTING YOU PEE ON ME IF THATS WHAT YOURE GETTING AT.
I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
i don't understand how she was down there for so long, she's like a mermaid, a blowjob giving mermaid.
NExt question... Do i wanna sleep under my palm tree
YES.
youre not allowed to be friends with girls ive double teamed. period.
the party we were at had security guards carrying paintball guns. that probably should have been the first sign
Theme for your birthday? Beer olympics in S&M costumes? Sounds like a nice little saturday
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
Showering in not my own throw up is really hittin the spot right now.
You woke us up at 9:15 am still in your toga from last night saying "welcome to my house party...party". You had already filled up the pong cups with yaager/fireball and ordered a chicken platter... Who even delivered that that early???
Update: I spent 10 minutes trying to fish out a rogue vagina weight.
I know right. I don't even want to have sex today. I did anyway but that's besides the point.
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
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