I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
last week i woke up at this guys house...this week i woke up at his ex girlfriends
I mean I'm forever immortalized as the one who puked in his dad's straw hat.
some guy just walked by in the street and for 5 seconds yelled "IMM SOOOO HORNYYYYYY!!!!"
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
Dude, you like sabotaged my shower time by walking in and eating a snack pack on the toilet. That's messed up on levels that haven't even been created.
God I hope the gutter I die in is nice. You know, for a gutter.
I'd have paid money to see Cookie Monster playing with a vibrator
She tackled him mid-puke while the other two were cutting up a $60 dildo with a kitchen knife and putting the pieces in a Corona bottle.
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
We shall need something stronger. Anal lube, the blood of a giraffe, and a bay leaf should do the trick. Make the paste and cover your left knee and anus in it.
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
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