her dad's the mattress king, she's genetically engineered to be good in bed
my ex just saw me in his brothers bed. fuck yes revenge feels good
Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
I deleted my history right in front of my girlfriend w/out her seeing. Let's go skydiving with no parachutes. I can live thru anything.
I'm sorry, but the "Hobbit Slam" has to be a sex move.
also had sex in his sister's princess style bunk bed.
but you are a princess that one was appropriate.
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
She brought me back a blanket from Mexico, then we had sex on it
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
We were all day drunk by 2pm. Now I know why they hate Americans
Why is there a whip in the kitchen?
Not to be gross and awkward, but I just had sex outside in the rain on the hood of a lexus
Randomize
