I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
The last thing I remember was doing a line in the shape of Texas
It's like if a cloud had tits and you laid on them.
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
whats our policy on dating high schoolers?
we dont have a policy but im pretty sure the state of michigan does
it's not like I want to die, I just want life to stop for a little bit. how does that work?
I'm not THAT invested in seeing you to an orgasm
where are you guys?
stoned at his house watching water boil
Randomize
