it's my fault, I passed out instead of getting up to pee.
nah, its part of my diet to keep track of the servings of everything i put into my body
how many servings is brandon's dick?
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
You ever get that 6th sense feeling in your dick like you know its gonna get sucked later?
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
Hate is such a strong word! I prefer to think that you strongly dislike me due to the honesty I show towards your routine shortcomings of success in life.
I should also mention that having been a sheltered child, I am conditioned to have serious kinks and find upper bodies of either sex attractive. And legs.
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
the manischevitz sangria was a big hit
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
After we had sex he gave me a thumbs up... fucking A&M Aggies, man
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
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