So at this point...I'm sure you heard the story about Saturday night
"reccomended dose" hasn't been in my vocabulary for quite some time.
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
I will never swim in a flooded basement again..
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
I may have played more drinking games with my family this last week than all of freshman year...
I want to tell everyone I've ever met about how he him picking me up and fucking me against the wall was the highlight of my life. Worst lesbian ever.
U touched your head and and said "oh look blood" and then looked at me and touched my face... And said war paint
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
You were dancing to the Bee Gees, at 3am, with a piece of ham on your head. Moral of the story, You can't drink.
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
Randomize
