She is totes cute on her twitter. Which totally sounds like a euphemism for coot.
I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
Well im sitting on a futon on a porch at 1:30 in the afternoon drinking boxed wine out of a pint glass next to a chick with a homemade neckbrace. What do you think?
We pretended the crowd cheering the Thunder's win was cheering for us while we had sex on the couch.
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
I watched you down those shots like a lion cub watching its mother rip apart a gazelle
I'm serious. I have boob tassles if this is an exchange thing.
When I woke up I had 6 missed calls making sure I was ok and asking if I remember showing my tits to a picture of her baby.
How does fucking Canada get Justin Good Guy Take Me Now, Just Fuck Me In The House of Commons Trudeau, and our new President looks like he bathes in cheetoh dust and sin?
Seriously my new passion in life is the girth of his penis
Randomize
