Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
all we need is a web designer
and a bunch of prostitutes
Party at my house. Liquor pinata. Your presence is required.
It's never good when you wake up covered with burns
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
Please talk me out of ordering the stripper pole for a dollar. Please.
She was eating whipped cream out of a plunger at 3 am in the morning. Yet somehow she still had an elegance about her.
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
Sometimes you get drunk and fall out of a car. I never said it was glamorous.
Discovered a freckle on my clitoris. What have you done today?
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
I'm pretty sure I just won at life. I touched the bushy tail of a squirrel while he had his mouth full and was digging in a plant on campus. That is all.
I'm smoking and watching the Muppets Treasure Island. Where are you?
Something about that statement reminds me just how much of a role model you are, sis.
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