I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
We had to be out of the dorms at 730. Meeting started at 8. I woke up at 948. Drunk and covered in glitter.
For real. Like, if I ever had to choose a last meal, I would just choose to get high and eat whatever was around.
He was eating me out on the dryer...and his mom walked in with her laundry basket...
He wasn't the only one with a full load.
It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
I've eaten cheese dip for three consecutive meals. I think I need to branch out.
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
Is she blowing you? I'm in the closet.
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
He climbed on the counter and announced it was time for something called The Cocktacular and all the girls immediately left. He cockblocked the entire fraternity!
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