ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
she went to pee and i could hear her singing "Drip Drip Drop LIttle April Showers" from Bambi through the door.
some drunk guy just paid $3 for each cig that i picked up off the ground. the cigs that he threw on the ground. I might just follow him the rest of the night
we are torturing ourselves with these mediocre cocks
Beer lympzucs are ki7lling me
Yeah...don't think he was sober. He kept screaming "I fucking love this game!". It was his Chase app.
Note to self...boner negates all verbal agreements ...got it
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
I fucked some frat guy. Then I found my brother after and made him take his shirt off and then I made him tell me he loves me
I just bout myself an edible arrangement for myself and had it delivered to work. I even wrote myself a note. This is a new low for me.
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
Randomize
