just checked my call log and realized that we talked for 3 mns. what did i say for that long?
pretty standard. you have fun last night?
apparently....what exactly does 'pretty standard' mean?
typical hot then cold, followed by a death threat.
My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
is the fantasy fufillment of sex in a hot tub worth the possible infection?
She made me cum so hard I couldn't hear for half an hour after
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
This inappropriate post strip club text brought to you by Cheetah of Palm Beach and vodka. Blowjob in the champagne room and the clap for the low low price of your paycheck.
mind if i send you a dick pic? so you can see what she wasn't doing right?
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
no dude free pina colada`s taste like what I would expect my penis to taste like except gay-er.
He thinks he's a sex addict. Just. My. Type.
My attempts to make you laugh have failed exceedingly. Naked snap chats it is
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
Randomize
