His mom took away his car and made him quit his job.
HE'S 26!!!
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
Was I shouting at a fire engine last Friday?
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
i havent blinked in 235 seconds. now 247. now 258. 263. 267. 271. i also have been gifted with theability to both type and count and not blink. 293 so magical
I want a burrito.
Truly, you are the voice of a generation.
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
I'm at a nursing home getting weed. Lol when times are tough, things tend to get a lil weird
And I really REALLY don't feel like cleaning cinnamon off my penis tonight.
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
In other news my pubic hair is covered in glitter.
We both shit in the same closet in Santa Fe. Nothing is sacred anymore.
At one point did I say I have a doctorate in fuck u?
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
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