We are surrounded by old people. Heavens waiting room for sure.
why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
After we fucked, her eye wouldn't stopped twitching and she could only move her hand, which she used to put her number in my phone
there may or may not be knives in your bed. I would check
did i mention he attempted to milk her in backseat?
His concept of male bonding is doing lines in adjacent stalls.
honestly, i'm just crying in the kitchen naked and eating salsa
I think the solution to your phobia is an open relationship with your dildo. about the same responsibility as a pet rock
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
Also this is super embarrassing but sorry for licking your chest
he never texted me back from last night. i think brining out the suction cup dildo was a mistake
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
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