im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
What would you do in exchange for having a girl eat a waffle house waffle off your body?
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
How do i politely tell him his dick looks like it went thru a meat grinder?
Dedication to a hook up: I had to recruit five people at the train station to help me buy a ticket from a kiosk and get on the right train in 15 minutes because I discovered that my car was stolen.
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
There's mini weenies and empanadas everywhere...
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
Randomize
