I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
then you put baby powder on the bottom of your feet and walked to your room so "ladies would follow the footprints"
She put baby oil on her toes and i am not legally allowed to talk about what happened
I'm full of awesome ideas
Yesss you are. Im full of confusion. I keep finding peanut butter on my legs...
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
im kinda looking forward to winter break. ive been away from home for so long i think i can trick my vagina into thinking that these arent the same people ive been hooking up with since high school...
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
We found him wrapped up in a giant table umbrella in the bathroom.
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
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