I think the world might be a better place if everyone was capable of having open relationships.
I just experienced a full blown christian wedding. I am SO GLAD YOUR WEDDING WASNT THIS.
just gave a yankee's fan wrong directions to Fenway....welcome to boston asshole
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
if they reproduce, their children will be the worst quarters players ever
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
the laptop wouldn't balance on his lap. that's how well endowed he is.
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
Results of pregaming honors college basketball social: 18 points, 3 blocks, and 3 flagrant fouls leading to 2 broken bones on former valedictorians. I'm doing this more often.
If drinking before honors events and injuring our universities brightest doesn't get you kicked out of the program, you're not trying hard enough.
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
i wasnt sure i had a crush on her until i woke up this morning and saw i had googled fifteen variations of "lesbian marriage in estonia". where the fuck is estonia
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
I'm gonna fight the coyote
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
Randomize
