Are they still out there making out on the couch? How can we get them to leave?
I 'm gonna go stand naked in the kitchen with a knife
The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
i'm forwarding you the dirty picture of that fat girl that likes me sent . i feel like since youre my best friend you should puke in your mouth too .
I think he's having people over to watch him get way too drunk again
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
your sister totally cock blocked me last night don't even think about inviting her to taco night
His idea of role playing was him wearing the halloween mitt romney mask while I gave him head
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
ITS THE FIRST FRIDAY NIGJT AFTER MOVING IN WITH THE NEW ROOMIE AND I ACTUALLY JIST RIPPED MY TAMPON OUT AND THREW IT IN THE NEIGHBORS YARD WERE GOINF ON THE BOAT AND SLEPEING IN HIS AMBULANCE GOODNIGHT
The sad moment you remember you have no power for a week and can't flush.....
Wrong number bro but that sounds like a damn shame.
You chugged Absolut from a beer bong. Why WOULDN'T you be a champion?
I just tried to dye my pubic hair teal for her
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