Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
I admire the strength of friendship we have that allows for sharing husbands.
Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
you threw your tampon into someones open car window...while they were driving.
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
Highlight of my evening, pile of books falling onto me in front of people
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
Don't be alarmed at the girl laying on your bathroom floor.
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
I'm sitting with my parents watching football and moaned when I saw his shirtless picture. They looked at me weird so I had to turn the moan into a laugh. A sad, really horny laugh.
I don't know what happened. His phone, shirt, shoes, and the condom wrapper are here but he isn't. I don't even know how to get a hold of him right now
..and by hang out i don't mean fucking then going back home i mean let's get something to eat & watch a movie and fuck sometime in between.
Randomize
