it'll be like the batcave but for manwhores
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
This amicable friendliness is dull. We either need to start fighting or fucking around. I'll even let you pick.
You started crawling towards a moving train. Maybe you should take it easy next time
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
At first it will make you think "how is this physically possible?" and then it will ruin an entire food group for you.
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
He apologized for cumming on my leg, but not for ghosting me for 3 weeks before :(
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
I have finally found someone I enjoy for reasons that do not necessarily include his dick
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