i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
Sorry you had to see that, but on the bright side...at least I trust you enough to have sex in front of you
That's two mile stones in one shot. A ginger and that's my third ashley.
Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo
I'm trying to pinpoint the moment when "don't do anything I wouldn't do" became bad advise.
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
Well, when you bump into your parents at a swingers meetup, it's time to change cities
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
I'm not THAT invested in seeing you to an orgasm
I want to be a supportive friend to her, but I also want to sleep with her ex now that he's single.
just creeped your profile pictures and you should feel satisfied in knowing that you had great eyebrows even before people started drawing them on
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
Apparently "Welcome to the Sin Cave" is not how I'm supposed to answer the door
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