No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
So can I buy you a drink sometime?
Sure, but make it a double, I'm drinking for two these days.
He washed my hair whilst I gave him head in the shower. Bored or gay?
I finally got her to squirt but it wasnt a stream, it came out in the form of mist. I felt like I was in rainforest cafe.
We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
I just decorated my birth control case with Lisa Frank stickers. If that doesn't scream 'I'm not ready for babies' I don't know what does.
the water pistols in the freezer are full of voddka.
I'm so high I feel like I'm pedaling a bicycle but I'm laying on the couch. My body might be vibrating. I made soup.
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
I'm at home, drinking with my cat. While this is an enjoyable lifestyle, other plans are preferable.
I distinctly remember telling him "I'll suck your dick while you eat pizza"
you wouldn't let anybody come in after ten. everybody was standing outside and you just yelled "BEING PUNCTUAL IS IMPORTANT" and slammed the door. i dont think you should be allowed to have parties anymore
it concerns me that i was already that drunk at 10
She puked off the side of the cruise ship onto a newlyweds balcony table and they watched it all happen then they made her clean it up
why is there glitter IN my vagina????
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