Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
now there's a facebook group for all the people whose lives i've ruined
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
I feel like shaving is just admitting i'm gonna do him, even though im still on the fence
shave. it'll take 10 min. Better safe than hairy.
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
Note to self...boner negates all verbal agreements ...got it
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
I think you just miss his friendship.
I think it's his ability to give me multiple orgasms.
He came to my Harry Potter marathon wearing a Hogwarts uniform. Of course I fucked him.
no it was
but you compared your dick to a female disney character
We were making fun of some people having sex on the beach, an hour later we were having sex on a golf course
I'll get the most aesthetic strap on, you'll see
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
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