so are you any less fat since you started doing blow?
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
my night ended with a pity blow in a racecar bed
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
Who showers for four hours?!
It was like a tropical nap.
He Dutch ovened me while I was hiding under the covers from his mom. Needless to say it did not end well.
Well I didn't get a shacker shirt but I somehow managed to come home with superman socks
I licked your asshole in confidence.
She was wearing a grass skirt and a watermelon bra. WATERMELONS.
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
Currently watching high school football on ESPN. Drink every time they say 'this kid's got potential' or 'look at this kid go' or 'atta kid' We're done for..
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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