I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
I have before 2 am pics and after 2am pics, which do you want to see first?
You do realize that we bought beer at 9:30 in the morning to avoid sobering up. Stupidity was bound to follow.
that's not even the weird part though. he already knew where the bathroom was, he might have been here before..
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
well in DOG beers, i've only had one
I would compare it to a jeffrey but in smoothie form. More drugs in here than Bobby Brown's sock drawer.
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
can I cover your dick in cookie butter?
I wore Yonce braids out last night and made out with a man and a woman #bowdown is right
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
Thank you for always being there for me.
Sorry wrong derek... Do u have any weed?
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
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