So ps i'm not pregnant with any athletes illegitimate children : )
he peed everywhere. it's like having a puppy.
His idea of a compliment is: 'you're cuter than your friend. If you both wanted a 3way I'd do it,but I'd pay more attention to you.'
when I sang my humps to you I meant it.
I wonder if her husband knows I have my own drawer at the apartment
You told me if you could get your shoes on, you deserved a coke and rum. We never made it to the party.
It's his sex noise. "I'm gonna cu-THE LORD IS MY SHEPARD AND I SHALL NOT WANT"
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
I can feel my teeth in 4 dimensions. I shouldnt be this high at 8 in the morning.
Do not tell me I cant do drunk math ever again, AND I made a creative way of telling him I want him to fuck me.
dad says come back and get the lawn mower out of the pool before mom gets home
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
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