We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
Jon and Kate. Drink everytime we see tears. Drink twice if a child cries. Finish your bev if you cry.
We basically counted to 3 and then dumped each other.
apparently 9 shots of absynthe does not take away your skill to walk. i just woke up under a tree in some field on the other side of town with 4 hours missing.
i am positive it's ok to drink. it's just pieces of the plastic knife i forgot was in the blender.
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
I was riding her and she yelled "fuck me" then someone in the room next door yelled "you don't have to say it if youre doing it."
He used the phrase "no problemo" in a sext. It's over.
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
Update: I just threw up in between cars in the parking lot of magic kingdom.
may or may not have entered into a gay civil rights discussion with 6 year olds. Hint: I did.
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
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