woke up to find a pram in the balcony. first thing we did was look over the edge!
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
I'm in the dining hall. that same guy is here again, the one who sits alone and talks to his silverware.
Before he took my jeans off all he said was "no hard feelings from middle school right?"
I've heard so many rumors about me being taken home in an ambulance I'm starting to believe them.
We just did a shot to "getting laid in the bar bathroom". I love where this thursday is headed
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
it was also funny because at one point I woke up with my hands tied with a belt and we were both like what the fuck
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
Dude I bought a 300 dollar buffalo painting. I'm no longer allowed to take shrooms.
How does fucking Canada get Justin Good Guy Take Me Now, Just Fuck Me In The House of Commons Trudeau, and our new President looks like he bathes in cheetoh dust and sin?
Tonight was a total waste of a shaved vagina
you know you're sexually deprived when you're holding a warm taquito in your hand and your vagina starts to tingle
Randomize