I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
On a scale of one to america, how free are you this weekend?
He had to carry me to the car. But then sat with me and waited for me to sober up enough to have sex. He's a keeper.
Here's the thing, you got road head in two different cars tonight. You feel lucky yet?
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
I made a nest in his bed. I'm not leaving
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
BRB. These cougars are squabbling over my junk and one of them is offering to pay my tuition
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