Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
Do you like marathons because that's how long I plan on fucking you.
When I asked if she spit or swallow she replied "I never learned how to spit"
worst lay ever....
as long as you cum, there is no bad sex
ya... thank god for condoms, I was able to fake it... I stand by my original statement
I just showed my tits to my brother on chatroulette. Could my life get any worse?
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
i just sold back the books i vomitted on
I knew I was rolling hard when I realized I had been rubbing the couch for an hour
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
I found her face down on the kitchen floor asking anybody who walked by for Kraft Dinner
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
I just feel like if we dated, he'd just be crying the entire relationship
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
Mandatory face masks - finally, a solution for lip augmentation failures and bad breath.
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